Cellophane

Posted: 09/01/2012 in Getting Old
Tags: , , , , , , ,

When did it become hard to open things wrapped in cellophane? Has it started its own campaign to destroy finger muscles or have I reached that age where certain abilities have deserted me?

You know what I mean? Things like; opening cellophane, finding the end of the sellotape, unscrewing tight jar lids, reading small print on labels. They make you feel like you have sausages for fingers!

Yesterday I bought a box of incense sticks containing many different fragrances. I was very pleased with the range of fragrances and looked forward to creating scented heaven around the house.

Incense Sticks Box

Incense Sticks Box

Of course, the first hurdle is to get the flippin things out of the packaging! I managed to get the cellophane off the box with the use of a kitchen knife slid down the box edge, always a dangerous activity for me as this highly complex equation shows:

Me + Knives = Blood

However, the gods were with me. So far so good. Once I’d gained entry to the box, I discovered that each set of fragranced sticks were wrapped in even more cellophane. Two layers of the stuff in fact.

Sticks wrapped in more bloody cellophane!

Sticks wrapped in more bloody cellophane!

Ok, don’t panic, don’t panic. I can do this. I’ve already got into the box without injury, opening a couple more wrappers isn’t going to be a problem. Is it?

Taking out the Jasmine sticks, I attempted to tear open the first layer. Nothing. I tried poking my finger through the cellophane. Nothing.

The scissors were sitting in the knife block goading me. They said:

“Come off it! You know you can’t do it without me.
You can’t just go around free-styling.
Scissors are for people like you.
You know you are going to be using me, why prolong the agony?”

I glared at the scissors. Bloody scissors sitting there all scissory. Ok, maybe the cellophane is just folded over, I try running my fingers up and down looking for a seam. Nothing. The knife has joined the scissors in the taunts. It said:

“I can help you! I already got the box open without too much trouble.
Come on, give me another chance.
You can’t do it yourself; you just haven’t got what it takes.
I won’t hurt you, I promise!”

Yeah right, I can feel that knife just waiting to stab me or slice open the tip of my thumb, it can’t fool me, not this time.

My scissors and knife in cahoots together

My scissors and knife in cahoots together

I’m going to have to bring in the teeth. Whenever I’m in doubt about opening something the old teeth can always try biting their way in. First I go in with a standard hold between teeth and rip approach. Nothing. Ok that’s fine, try the other side. Nothing. Right, hold the cellophane in the teeth and then pull with my hands. Nothing. Ok, just generally chew it and see if it magically opens. Nope.

I know. Try pushing the sticks through the cellophane and just pull one out when the hole appears. Nope. I just ended up bending them and rendering them useless. Arghhhhhhh.

I grab the smug scissors cut across the top of the first and second wrappers simultaneously and pull out the sticks. Success. The knife’s not happy, I can tell. I know he was hoping for blood today.

Right, there’s nothing else for it but to teach that cellophane a lesson! I shall wreak my revenge on you. I screw it up into a tiny ball and sneer at it. I throw it majestically into the bin and watch it nestled amongst the old tea bags and empty milk cartons and slam the lid down. Ha! I have defeated you.

…………… now, only another 10 packs to go!

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Comments
  1. Lisa Bird says:

    Love this! You need to grow a really long thumbnail (kind of a built-in knife), but then if you’re anything like me you’ll end up cutting yourself with your own nail!

  2. I love it! Exactly my sentiments! Only thing worse than cellophane is the hard plastic that encases all small electronics and also toothbrushes, razors, and you name it. Those things should have a label warning women over 50 NOT to attempt opening them ourselves at home! We need to call a professional. :o)

  3. Sarah says:

    So funny and so true! You had me laughing all the way through! Beautifully written too! Sarah X

  4. anita says:

    i have yhe same trouble celloohane is horrid see through stuff loved your blog hunny i look forward to next one xx

  5. I am with Sweet Georgia Brown’s mum on this; that hard plastic packaging, that has no known way of opening, is the invention of the devil.

    Thanks for another good laugh!

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