Puberty – The Return (aka the menopause)

Posted: 13/06/2012 in Getting Old
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Bloody menopause! I’ve been having night sweats for a while now. I’d wondered if they were hot flushes. Now I know differently ;).  Hot flushes are even worse.

One minute I’m fine, then the next I feel like a jacket potato cooking in the microwave. I heat up from somewhere in my middle as if someone just lit my pilot light. I wouldn’t mind if they were all the same time, but they seem to come at very random times!

A Tomato

A tomato – representing my face

Yesterday at the gym I had my first real hot flush. I ended up soaking wet through with a face like a tomato. I kept expecting Willy Wonka to turn to an oompa loompa and ask him to take me to the straining room for his bloody mary wonkadrink. Luckily I was at the gym, so no-one really noticed. To the untrained eye, I could have just had the mutha of all workouts.

In my view, the menopause is nothing more than a return to a pre-pubescent state before you have to start wearing nappies again and don’t know who you are or how to speak – or … what we used to call old age. It’s true I tell you! Let’s look at the facts:

Puberty Menopause
Get boobs Lose boobs or other options include drooping (handy waist warmers) or shrinking (which is ok if you have elastic skin).
Sprout hairs in nether regions Lose hairs in nether regions but get a hairy face! Handy for winter!
Can’t stop thinking about sex and boys Can’t stop thinking about naps during the day and a cuddle in bed as you fall asleep watching some crap movie (as long as you are not having a hot flush that is).
Wear as little as possible and the shorter the better Don’t forget your coat, gloves and scarf if it looks chilly … oh … and magic pants/bra/girdle/tights/other scaffolding on a night out. Don’t worry though because it’s only your significant other who wll see that stuff!
Stay up drinking til 4am (obviously when you are over 18 ;)) Stay up drinking til 4am but never on a week night and make sure you have nothing on the agenda for the next week because you’ll need that long to recover.
Have boundless energy – just want to run and jump around Absolutely no jumping – think of your bladder darling!

I could go on but I’m getting short term memory loss so I’ll stop before I lose my thread ;).

Bollocks to the menopause.

SF —- out!

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Comments
  1. Jane says:

    Ha ha ha Brilliant. yep, I am there myself at the moment & know exactly what you are saying. The joys of getting older eh?

  2. Lisa says:

    That made me laugh – out loud – but I can sooooo relate!!! Mine started last December/January when I thought we were having the hottest summer in history, then really kicked in during the week of my 50th birthday…just to remind me I’m getting old *pffft* (Thank the Lord for Remifemin!)

  3. Scubafee says:

    What a pain the arse! heehee what is Remifemin? Don’t think we have that here. I’m not taking anything …. yet!

    • Lisa says:

      Remifemin contains plant based oestrogen – there’s a day tablet & a night one. i’ve been taking it for 6 months & it helped instantly, but having said that the past 2 weeks i’ve been back to square 1 so I’m fairly miffed.

      I’m resisting taking anything more serious….

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