Archive for the ‘Is it just me?’ Category

Image: hair cut trauma

Say no to haircuts!

It’s that time again. I know it’s coming. How? I have started to use the thinning scissors again. I’ve got really thick hair so it gets to a point where I have no option but get it thinned out. The thing is they won’t just do that. They have to wash it, condition it, massage your bloody head (I have no idea why they do this, it doesn’t DO anything), cut it, thin it, blow dry it and then on top of all that, you have to make small talk.

I understand that a lot of women find this relaxing and enjoy the whole experience. I don’t, which is why, when my hair starts to look wider than it is long, I reach for the thinning scissors and then attempt to cut a bit off the bottom in a straight line (easier said than done). Once I’ve completed my beautification session I usually end up wondering why I didn’t just go to the hairdressers. Every time, I do this every single time. Last time I thinned and chopped it so much my left ear was clearly visible through my hair but my right ear wasn’t.

So, I guess I will have to go. I don’t have a hairdresser either. I pick one at random usually based on whether you can be seen from the outside. I hate having my hair titivated. I hate the fact that you end up with some kind of bouffant hair-do that you immediately then have to wash when you get home. I hate the hairdryer. I panic when the ‘any plans for the weekend’ discussion starts. I feel the need to make something up that sounds cooler than what I will really be doing – walking the dog, eating crap, watching TV, gardening. Like err ………. Clubbing! Ha. Who am I kidding? Last time I went clubbing people were still sporting shoulder pads and acid washed jeans and dancing to Kajagoogoo.

I’ll probably make an appointment soon(ish)  … no need to rush :). Now, where did I leave those thinning scissors……….

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My Dyson CD39 it's a bit like Sir Killalot!

My Dyson CD39 it’s a bit like Sir Killalot!

I’ve got a Dyson DC39 cylinder vacuum cleaner. I think it secretly watches old Robot Wars episodes because it really wants to be Sir Killalot.

Sir Killalot – what my Dyson really wants to be:

I miss Robot Wars.

It’s really annoying when friends have the same name so no-one knows which one you are talking about. I had two friends called Bev. We were all in the same social circle people constantly asked which Bev you meant. So, Bev number 1 had big boobs, Bev number 2 had a Fiesta. Can you guess how we differentiated? Yep, Bev number 1 was Booby Bev and Bev number 2 was Fiesta Bev!

That got me thinking about all the people who’ve ended up with special names.

Here are some of my personal favourites:

  • Mick the Coat (always wears a huge leather coat regardless of the weather) and Mick the Carpet (is a carpet fitter)
  • One Legged Jim (as in, only has one left) and Spotty Jim (has spots)
  • Chinese Tom (he’s Chinese) Heli Tom (he flies a helicopter)
  • Fibre Glass Phil (he makes boats out of fibre glass) and Limo Phil (he drives a limo)
  • Dive Shop Dave (he works in a dive shop) and Padi Dave (he’s a diving instructor)

Youget the picture. The conversation always seems to start the same as well.

– I saw Phil today’ What Fibre Glass Phil or Limo Phil?

– Fibre Glass Phil.

You never come out and say straight away I saw fibre glass Phil today.

Funny eh? I bet you do it too ;).

Right, I’m just putting this out there. I am obsessed with the weather at the moment. Mainly because it is so crap. The last few weeks in particular, have been really awful, I’m sure you agree. I don’t want to be cold any more, I don’t want it to snow any more. I want the sun to shine, the flowers to grow, the blossom to appear and to stop wearing woolly tights!

The most annoying thing about the weather for me is not the weather but the weather reports. Before you know where you are, the BBC/Sky (other news channels are available) start dedicating most of their news to it and broadcasting live from various snowy, windy, cold, wet, miserable locations around the UK. This is usually standing next to a motorway or some windswept hillock. Cut to studio and there’s the weather man/woman telling us how it’s all rubbish and is going to remain that way for the foreseable future. One can only assume this because a) they no longer know how to FORECAST the weather or b) global warming/climate change or somehow the Cleggeron boys are to blame.

Cut back to studio for dumbed down analogy and pointless 3d graphical representation of weather.  Why don’t they just stop talking about the weather as if it’s news! It isn’t news, it’s weather.

Michael Fish - Weather Man

Michael Fish – Weather Man

Ever since the great cock-up storm of 1987 when the great Michael Fish told us there was nothing to worry about (there was of course THE worse storm we’d ever seen on its way) the BBC in particular are petrified of NOT reporting weather to us every hour on the hour wth live broadcasts from places you’ve never heard of.

Oh well … roll on Summer. Who knows? Maybe we’ll have a hosepipe ban and a surge in gardeners secretly watering their brown grass in the dead of night for them to report live on :).

Best Summer ever – 1976 – just sayin’ ;).

SF out

I leave you with a song about Michael Fish. Pogo if you remember it!

They drive me bloody mad. Who the hell invented those things? You sit there fiddling around with it for ages and when you eventually find the end after much scrabbling with your fingernails, you manage to pull off one bloody sheet.

I have discovered that if you wind the toilet roll backwards you get more. Forgive me, future generations who may (or may not depending on your view about global warming) suffer because we don’t take global warming seriously, but I like to use more than one sheet of loo paper even if I’ve just had a wee.

While we are on the toilet subject. Isn’t it funny how many different words we have for toilet. Here are a few of my personal favourites.

  • Bog
  • Loo
  • Lavvy
  • Privvy

You might think differently. I couldn’t possibly comment ;). Wouldn’t you just know it! Someone has written a post about toilet slang! Yes, really: http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Appendix:English_toilet_slang

Why is it that no matter what gym I go to there is always a woman who spends hours and hours moisturising every single part of her body? She always seems to be able to reach every part of her body and can even manage to moisturise her own shoulder blades. What’s that about?!

I am starting to think these women don’t even do a workout. I think they just turn up, strip off, then start slathering their bodies with cream and rubbing it in every single part. It’s like watching them getting ready for a Ms Universe competition. Oohhhh hang on, I think you missed a bit!

Why do their legs have to be akimbo and their bodies bent over as if they’re waiting for a drugs check at the airport. I have no experience of this I hasten to add, I’ve seen it on TV ;). Don’t even get me started on those  airport customs programmes, especially the Australian customs.

Now, I’m no prude but I just don’t want to walk into the gym and see someone’s arse crack as they bend over to moisturise their big toes or whatever. Even worse is when they have one leg up on the bench while they rub Body Shop Mango Body Butter into their nether regions.

Of course, it might just be me, and you probably think what the hell, don’t be so uptight man, it’s a free country and you don’t have to look. True, but once I’ve seen it, I can’t unsee it!

 

The other day I was in a meeting at work. Tea, coffee and orange juice were provided but there were no biscuits. To be honest, it was the first thing I noticed. I don’ t know about you, but I believe the biscuit is an integral part of any business meeting.

Biscuits

Meeting biscuits: can they make or break a meeting?

This wasn’t a short meeting either. We were looking at a 2-hour meeting which started at 2pm so afternoon tea would fall right in the middle. There was no sign of biscuits to munch on. I was thoroughly distracted by this turn of events.

Maybe they would bring them in later so we could pace ourselves? Maybe we were getting some of that new-fangled meeting biscuit replacement snacks I’d heard about recently. Croissants, pastries and, heaven help us, scones!

NO no no! Where were the digestives, the nice, the pink wafery thing. Not even a Garibaldi. This was wrong, all wrong.

This got me thinking about my top 5 business meeting biscuits. Of course, you might think differently, I couldn’t possibly comment.

  • No 1 – Digestive (plain or chocolate) or Rich Tea (if no digestives)
  • No 2 – Shortbread – sugary and deliciously dry
  • No 3  – Bourbon  (nibble the top off first)
  • No 4 – Jammy Dodger (you can lick the jam)
  • No 5 – Pink wafer (although a bit like eating polystyrene)

Of course, anything with chocolate on has got to go the number one spot for me.

or is it just me? 🙂

Important safety tip for you – avoid dunking! You may over-dunk and then  end up either with the biscuit dropping in your cup or worse you have to try and get the whole thing in your mouth before it gets too soft. There’s a risk here – it could drop in your lap – then you have to try to get rid of soggy biscuits from your lap. NOT good meeting etiquette. I speak from experience here.